**Girl on the Blog**
cartoon by Mo Paul
Keep coming back...Democracy works!
by Alan Bisbort
Nov. 5, 2005 / HARTFORD (apj.us) / Welcome to the first meeting of Republicans Anonymous. I'll be your monitor for this session. Before we start, though, I'd like to say, wow, there sure are a lot of you here today in the Astrodome...what's that? Two high school gyms in the area are also packed to the rafters, watching by closed circuit TV? Incredible! And a simulcast in Spanish is being piped down to Argentina? Hey, this is better than the PTL Club before the hairspray fumes got to Tammy Faye. We didn't even have to advertise. We just told a couple of ex-Enron execs' ex-wives down at the homeless shelter about it yesterday morning and I guess that's all it took.
It strikes me that you're all here today because you no longer want to be republicans. But, for whatever reasons, you are afraid to take those first steps away from the party of corporate thugs, common criminals, perjurers, inside-traders, cat killers, racists, misogynists, money launderers, treasonists, pedophiles, wife beaters, hypocrites, and other assorted major league axeholes.
Fear not, my friends. The diehard Republican is, at his/her core, a bully and a wanker and a bullywanker. Show him some spine and he is reduced to twitching like a bug sprayed with Raid, spewing stuff about Vince Foster and the Clintons, whining like Dr. Bill Frist, seeking comfort in Big Gulps filled with OxyContin, or, in the case of Bill O'Reilly, turning to phone sex, even with his own wife who refuses to have any other kind of sex with him.
One of the most common reasons I've heard from women who are recovering Republicans is that you are afraid of your husbands' reactions when they find out you've switched sides. Two words of advice: withhold sex. No matter how hopped up on Viagra he is, no matter how many Libby Dole pin-up calendars he's gazed at, do not give it up. Chances are you've secretly loathed him all these years you've been married to him and been forced to listen to all those horrible unsolicited soliloquies about liberals and Chelsea Clinton. Get out of that sick relationship. NOW. Rather than dwell on the past, and the reasons for not having made this leap of faith sooner, let's concentrate on the present and future. To that end, Republicans Anonymous has come with its own 12 Steps that can help guide your footsteps.
Step 1: I admit that my life has become unmanageable due to my powerlessness over my untreated and chronic Republicanism.
Step 2: I believe that a power greater than Republicanism, alternately called facts and truth, can restore me to sanity.
Step 3: I have made a decision to turn my will and my life over to facts and truth.
Step 4: I have made a searching and fearless moral inventory of the Republican Party, and found it to be despicable and without any redeeming values whatsoever.
Step 5: I am admitting, in front of all these thousands of other anonymous Republicans, that I was wrong and deluded, and I am now sick and tired of the fear and the shame and the HIDING from my better instincts.
Step 6: I am entirely ready to have the impeachment process remove all the defects of character possessed by the Demon Republicanism.
Step 7: I humbly ask the people of the world who are not Republicans to forgive me and help me remove this terrible stain upon my character.
Step 8: I began to compile a list of all the people that my Republicanism has harmed and then gave up because I realized it has harmed all 6 billion people on the planet and I'd get writer's cramp trying to write all of their names down and, besides, the names from India and Solomon Islands are really hard to spell.
Step 9: I resolve to make amends to all of them, somehow.
Step 10: I will continue to monitor my latent Republicanism, knowing that, like all addictions, it may never fully leave me and thus I must be vigilant to catch myself before I start thinking like Newt Gingrich or one of those other helmet-haired white pundits who will be forgotten five minutes after the dirt and sod is kicked over their miserable bones.
Step 11: I have sought through meditation on the U.S. Constitution to improve my conscious contact with Democracy, as the forefathers designed it.
Step 12: I will try to carry this message to other Republicans and to use the newfound principles of facts and truth to counter the delusional race-baiting and fear-mongering that divides people rather than brings them together.
Keep coming back. Democracy works!